Especially dedicated for my lovely mom

April 23, 2012 was my worst nightmare and fearful day of my whole life came true. This is the day my mom passed away. 

My mom is and always be my hero, my role model, my most lovable person on earth, my place to ask question to, etc.. in simple words, she is my MOM. She is the person I will look up to when I feel that I am a child. That she’s gone, I felt that there was a hole in my heart and it’s broken instantly. I constantly feel that something aching inside and I’m missing her every day. 

Mom, @Jerry's baptism

I want to hug u mom, I want to kiss u, lean my arms around you again. I want to chat again with you, and hear your voice, not just talking to myself like I did these pass few weeks. I really-really miss you mom..

Though her leaving was “predictable”, still it hurts.. and I still have so many “what if..” questions in my mind.. I knew I have to let her go, just because nothing else available as the other option, or I got nothing else to choose beside that. I still need time to convince myself that she’s happy now, she’s fully cured now, she’s in peace now.. I want to believe it badly and without any doubt, but I am still human. I need time to heal and accept it.

A little flashback to her disease journey:

Early December 2011, she complained about her constant headache for the past 2 weeks, she began to feel uncomfortable with her night sweaty fever. There is a small lump on her left neck bellow her ear.  She went to a general practioner in Petogogan, and diagnosed mumps (gondongan), took home acyclovir and some other medicines. I am not sure for this, so I asked her to go to other doctor, the other doctor asked us to remove other suspicion diagnose: TB Kelenjar and send us to have BTA and blood test. 

After seeing a pulmonologist at RSPI, he confirmed Mom was clean from TB. He suggested to see oncologist to do biopsy and MRI/CT scan for the lumps. On and on, we went to several other specialist, even mom have to stay one night at THT hospital for biopsy and suspected Nasofaring cancer. After biopsy, apparently was not nasofaring, and it was Lymphoma Non Hodgkin Cancer. This diagnose brought us to Government Cancer Hospital in Jakarta. But Mom already too tired seeing too many doctors and she said, she hates seeing another hospital again.. 

Back home, together with the family, Mom decided to try alternative treatment because most of the family said chemotherapy had very scary side effect. So we choose a traditional Chinese medicine at Kebayoran.. At first week there, the progress is very good, mom is feeling much better. The treatment was via intravenous (just like kemo) and had side effect just like kemo, falling hair. 5-6 weeks after, Mom had the previous syndrome coming back. We then tried some other alternative treatment, herbal medicine from a Bruder, Mangosteen supplement, and to a herbal doctor at BSD. The last doctor sent us back to the cancer hospital, because he said that without chemo, the disease will run faster and herbal cannot race the disease.

So, first week of April, we  were seeing dr. syafrizal, he is a hematology oncologist @ Dharmais. A very patient and good doctor, mom was more relaxed with him (compared to the first we saw before). He suggested biopsy, ct scan and blood and heart test. Jerry, Jef and I accompanied mom everyday back and forth to Dharmais. We patiently did all the suggested test before biopsy. And when the biopsy was done, mom had to stay 1 night at High Care Unit to restore her strength, because her HB, natrium and kalium was very low, she had to do 2 blood bags transfusion. 

After the biopsy, we have to wait 1 week to see the doctor again for the chemo treatment.. 3 days after biopsy, mom looked quite better, ate much and talked easier. But on the forth day, she was dropping again, very hard to swallow, tired and imbalance. Fifth day, she fell and hit the mirror, she was not wounded though.. on Sunday, 22 April, she seemed confused, restless, hardly unable to eat much.. I asked her to go to Emergency Room in Dharmais, to check her condition. The doctor in ER suggested mom to stay at HCU, but the doctor in HCU rejected, and the other room were full, so we took mom to Siloam hospital @ Sudirman, mom had to stay at ICU there for hard breathing problem, very low Hemoglobin,  low natrium.

Monday morning at 4 a.m, mom lost her breath, a respirator was then put on to help her, and at 7 a.m, her pulse were hard to find, doctor asked permission to do intubation, but the treatment did not respond well to mom. She was noted passed away at 8 a.m. I was not there by your side mom, I’m sorry.. Jerry had fever and throw up during the night, Jeanie was having mild measles. When you went away, I was on the way to hospital and caught in the morning traffic along with the people going to the workplace. I got there almost 30 minutes after the noted time. Find you already sleeping so peacefully, pretty and soundlessly.. No more pain mom, no more hard breathing, you slept like a baby..

 

ur 2 bestfriend from health-sick-death

After that, time was like running fast, we prepared your stay at Carolus Mort house, many relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances came to greet you farewell mom.. most of them were sad to see you left so soon. You meant something to them mom, like you meant a great thing in my heart.. Jerry also missed you mom, he lost a very loving apho.. And my biggest regret is that Jeanie has not got the chance to have a memory with you.

Kampit's chappel for requiem mass

April 25, 2012 we took you to Belitung Island mom, your birth place and your last resting place, near your Father and Mother, a beautiful and peaceful place where you wished to be in. I promised, we will come often.. I promised, you will always be in my heart. I promised, my children will always remember you, and love you as you always love your grandchildren. I promised I will try to be a good mom just like you always thought me to be.

Rest in Peace Mama

we left you rest in peace here mom..